Only two more days until I head out to visit my parents in Montana. We talk often, and they know whats up with me, but it'll still be the first time face to face since I started on hormones and everything. That should be interesting. I'll be out there for two weeks, so I hope the area isn't too intolerant. I've sorta gotten used to the "we're a college town, and people on skis headed up a hill in the summer is barely glanceworthy, so why would we care that you're a tranny" attitude around here.

For anyone who doesn't know yet through sites I keep up with more, the thing that finally prompted me to head out there was the near murder of my mom. Long story short, some jerks beat the crap out of her, threw her off a cliff, and left her for dead. And now, because of some stupid legal crap and a lack of money for a lawyer, it looks like the bad guys are just getting away with it with no consequences at all. Gee, I sure do love the "justice" system, don't you? >:(

Oh, yeah. And one of my teeth broke last night. A tooth that's been bugging me for a while. And now... I feel much better. See, it's had this crack in it, and I was afraid when it went, it would break down through the tooth and cause horrible problems. Instead, the break turned upwards and just ablated part of the tooth away. Sure, there's a hole in my tooth now, it doesn't hurt, and it seems to have relieved a lot of pressure from the surrounding teeth mashing on it. Remember, I have eight extra teeth, so pressure is in abundance. Anything to remove that is a good thing.

tl;dr I'm happy that one of my teeth broke.

The new quarter started, and the first week is out of the way. I was worried that the crappy professor I got would ruin compilers, but it looks like we're still getting to do cool stuff, even if he's a walking powerpoint during class. Volcanology is still kinda up in the air as far as interest goes, but it due to a way-confusing series of events, I have to take it if I want to graduate this quarter, even though it has nothing to do with my major. :P And then there's physics. Bane of my existence. Apparently, this professor doesn't allow ANY calculators on any quizzes/tests. Uh... I haven't had a reason to integrate by hand in at least a decade! I think I'll survive it, but this is a lot of extra crap to (re)learn. On the other hand, the professor herself kicks ass. She's not just excited about the subject (most of the physics profs. are), but she's an engaging lecturer. I'm caught off guard every time class ends, instead of the usual "Yeah, yeah. I've been staring at the clock since ~10 after," that physics gives me.

It'll be a stressful quarter. Compilers is really one of those "this is the ONLY class you're taking" sort of courses, so tossing physics and other stuff on there will be rough, but at least it'll get me DONE, so I can get out of Failham and do something REAL.

I'm constantly surprised by the varying ways in which people react to me. Yesterday, as my advisor was sending me off to do my exit interview with the department head, she told me "Your opinion is especially important. We don't have a lot of women in the department." This is one area where I'm still really unsure what people think. Which gender do I get to contribute opinions on behalf of? Or rather, which side will other people take my opinions to be a part of? In one of my classes, the professor commonly asks guys versus girls opinions on matters, and I'm never sure which side I'm "allowed" to speak for. I've mostly just stayed quiet, not answering for EITHER side. I don't know that I'll be taken seriously on the women's side, but I REALLY don't feel like a part of the men's side. Should I not be worrying about this? Am I just over analyzing a non point?

I just got back from the social security office, where everything went smoothly. Better than smooth, even. I went in with my new driver's license to update my name with them. The guy behind the counter was cool, although the umpteen-billionth person to think Chloe is pronounced "klo". Seriously, it's not that uncommon of a name, is it? Anyways, he put that stuff in, and then asked me if I wanted the gender changed on there, too. I was like "Uh... If that's doable, then hell yeah! ^_^" I kind of thought they would insist on it having an F on my driver's license first. So yeah. I was all happy, and didn't question it, but now that I'm home, I'm sort of wondering if that'll cause problems. A mismatch between SS and driver's license. Chelsea seems to think I could get the F right now with just a note from my therapist, so maybe I'll have to look into that. That would be sweet. *float away*

I'm sitting at the_black_drop down the street from the courthouse after a very quick and painless appearance to get my name changed. The judge was comedic, which is awesome. I was expecting some stuffy guy to be all frowny faced at me, or something, but he was perfectly happy, and bam. I has official papers. I still have to stop by the social security office (and of course update my name everywhere else), but it's still a great feeling to finally have this done. I left school like half an hour early, and managed to miss the bus by like ten seconds, but I still got there on time (I definitely wouldn't have if I'd left class at the usual time). I ended up talking to this woman named Molly, who was just as confused as me about which room we were supposed to go to. Eventually, she noticed that it said REALLY BIG up above that we were room 2. I guess both of us were expecting it to be specific per person, so we were only looking around near our names. But actually, everyone in the room was there for a name change. I was a bit disappointed that no one else was making a very big change. The next biggest change was someone Americanizing a Spanish looking name. (But he didn't show up!) Mostly it was just girls changing their last names in a very marriage looking way, but you don't have to go in the court room for that, so I'm not sure what's up. Hey, wow. I'm rambling. Bye!

I think I have food poisoning. At least, that's what Google comes up with when I list the symptoms. Not fun. This morning, I woke up way early, with a stomach ache, but tried to ignore it. Eventually, I decided I couldn't. Short story even shorter, I lost almost ten pounds in less than an hour, but I'd been perfectly fine when I went to bed. I hurt so bad all over. It's like my muscles have been atrophying for weeks. And my joints are all crapped out. kk, my ability to type is fading back out. bye. wish me luck :(

I'm not sure what I think about school starting back up on Tuesday. On one hand, it'll be nice to have some structure again. It's hard to be productive sometimes when there's nothing keeping you on task. On the other hand, school takes time and withers your spirit, and it's also hard to be productive when you have no time/soul. Damned if you do(n't).

I miss the good ol' days, just sitting around "computing". Didn't matter what it was. Working on game engines, writing crazy graphics routines in assembly, or questing for better compression. Nowadays, it's all boring. Ooh, look a game library, which I can insert my content into, and have a game. Ya-freakin'-hoo. Yeah, I like the actual game making side of things, but it's really the problem solving that draws me. Getting around supposed "limitations". Finding a way to make things EVEN faster. Figuring out how to get every last drop of awesome into a project.

But no one cares anymore. It's all about the results. Do you have an awesome game? The world pushes for instant gratification, and expects you to spew out products. I just want to play. Coding and problem solving can BE the game if you treat it that way. Why doesn't anyone else want to play?

I haven't really been coding much lately, aside from the odd school project here and there. I keep running in circles. 1) I want to make a game. 2) Oh, I guess I should use an engine. 3) Wait, this is boring. I'm not really getting to do any fun coding. 4) Ah, screw it. 5) Goto 1; Meh...

tl;dr~ Low-level coding is much more fun, but no one seems to remember that. I feel pressured not to either. Boo hoo.

I finally had an endocrinologist appointment today. I went in to make sure I hadn't damaged myself, or or that stopping for a while like this might damage me more, et cetera. I was HOPING I'd somehow walk out the door with a prescription, but knew it wasn't really gonna happen. But it did. SWEET! I'm back in the pills, and this time it's sanctioned. I am the happy one! *dance* *dance* *dance* Yay!

You know... Of all the things that suck about being off the hormones for a while, I think the STRANGEST of them is that I smell like a goddamn BOY. I knew I smelled different with the hormones, but I didn't realize just HOW different. After being free of it for a while, I can't stand going back to my old smell. It's not filth sort of stink, but it's like... It's like when you realize you can smell the inside of your own nose. You can't really do anything about it 'cause it's your damn nose, and it's pretty well attached, but it still drives you crazy.

Also, boo at LiveJournal for having a stick up their butts about username changes. Do it like Twitter, damnit! Twitter was very nice...
1) Easily alter username on Twitter via a quick stop at the settings page.
2) Hate on LJ for "Livin' in the past".
3) ???
4) PROFIT!!! (Like the Grand Nagus, baby!)

Also deux, check out http://www.last.fm/music/Lunic It's the spam I got that I actually WANTED. As far as I can tell, the front for the band was seriously just wandering around, looking for people who would like their music, and messaging them. It doesn't SEEM automated, but I didn't look TOO close. And most importantly, they're actually pretty cool. How can this happen? Good spam? Next you'll tell me all those Nigerian dudes really DO have money to give me, and I can have as many free iPods as I can eat!

I WAS slowly reducing my meds in order to start over and do it the right way. I finished reducing, and have had NONE for a few days now, and it's taking its toll in a serious way. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I might even make it through this without crashing. It's been only DAYS, and here I am. What will I feel like by Christmas? By New Years? This is shitty shitty timing. A much needed break between quarters, wasted because I'm right back where I was, physically incapable of gathering motivation. Cycling through the same series of actions, trying to find SOMETHING I can actually bring myself to do. And now that I feel so crappy, things that were bothering me already feel so much worse: I REALLY want to berate a certain someone about a certain something, and I'm resisting, because I don't want cause more problems than are necessary, but seriously, W.T.F?

So, sometimes you think "alright, I'm gonna get this done, no matter what!" Math, call yourself done. But sometimes, even when you say that: even when you really really really mean it, it just doesn't happen. Damn you to hell, physics! That's right. I totally bombed physics. I thought I could do it (no I didn't). I thought I would just get through it and it would be done (well, sort of). I thought I could keep on task and do my work (I really did). But no. I'll have to take it over. Conveniently, I actually did learn just about all of it, give or take some extra confusing integrals, so it shouldn't be too difficult next time around, but I just didn't get enough of the work done. Damn me. But you know what? I have real, albeit very shallow, motivation for next quarter. Good grades = video games. I'm gonna kick ass. I know that sounds stupid, but I've never been good with intangible rewards as motivators. Objects are the way. Here I come, objects!

Lo (I have no idea why I started typing Lo...something, but I'm leaving it there for posterity!)

I also have an actual therapist/counsellor, or whatever you want to call them. She seemed to think counsellor sounded more friendly. Personally, I just think counsellor sounds less professional. But to each  their own. I guess Diana Troy is alright. :P More importantly, I apparently don't seem crazy. Sounds like I'll get a proper HRT referral much sooned than I expected, too. Yay! Catch is, there's only two relevant endocrinologists in town. One of them requires a MINIMUM of six months of counselling first! Ugh. The other, I've heard from multiple sources, has no bedside manner. So if I don't want to wait HALF A FREAKING YEAR to get going again, I'll have to go with him. I think I can deal with that. Frankly, the bedside manner of most physicians is a bit to hand-holdy for me. A little bit of House isn't gonna kill me. :D

And finally, one of my friends' cat was missing for the last week, and finally showed back up! WOOT! He's got some ouchies, and I can touch my fingers around his neck, but he's okay. I bring this up, because I felt bad that if it were her OTHER cat, I wouldn't have felt as strongly about it. Am I a bad person for caring less about one of them? But Gadget is SUCH a good kitty. I missed him. He totally sat on my lap while I studied math last night. I think his positive vibes made the math soak in. Thank you, Gadget, for helping me pass my math final!

I've raved and ranted, ranted and raved, and feel nice and cathartic, so bye bye for now! And in case I don't post again before then, have fun, happy holidays!

A friend convinced me to stop taking my hormones for a while, via how I could benefit in the long run from this "temporary" setback. Long story short, I've been taking them unsupervised (as carefully as is possible within that context, but still...), and I would WAY rather do things right, but seriously fear the effects of being without it, which I will be for months to get things going properly. I am TOTALLY NOT ONE LITTLE BIT looking forward to it, and every time I think of another effect of being without them, it makes me cry. I was out for about two weeks once because I waited too long to order the new batch, and I know how absolutely horrible I felt from just those short gaps. I don't know if I can handle months, even KNOWING that things will be better again once I have them back.

I don't know if this will make sense to anyone, but it doesn't feel like the medicine is something I'm ADDING to my system. It feels more like an anti-venom. Like the testosterone is the foreign agent, and having it there damages me in more ways than I can count. It distorts my body in ways I can't stand, but more than that, it limits my emotions and makes it difficult to empathize or communicate with others. I feel like since I've gotten it out of me, I've been able to really FEEL things for the first time since I was tiny. And I've finally started understanding OTHER people's feelings. Sure, I've missed out on a lot of social learning, but now I've been able to start. It only takes a few fleeting days without the proper hormones before I start to lose feeling again. I feel so isolated from the world already, and the prospect of giving up my doorway into it, even for a little while, is terrifying.

I already feel kinda crappy sometimes, when it feels like I've made no progress in too long, but taking this backwards step... Well. Yeah. Please forgive me if I suck especially badly for the next few months. :/

Very mixed day...

Went and did plasmapheresis (-)
But for the last time in at least 4 months (+)
But managed to cause a problem in the roundabout nearby (-)
Got ears pierced, which was very quick and hurt less than the plasma needle (+)
Got pissy at a retarded kid because I didn't realize he didn't have the capacity to not stare at me awkwardly until it was too late (-)
Didn't get programming homework done (-)
But got next week's homework done during class (+)
Was stupid and offended one of my housemates (-)
But apologized and dealt with the situation (+)
But got emotional and cried like a doofus in the process (+ or -, not sure)
But have improved self confidence enough to mention that last part, or even make this post (+)

It really doesn't feel like a mediocre day, but I can't decide if it's good or bad.

Maybe it seems like a small thing, but to me it's not, and each time someone doesn't recognize me as my old self, it makes me really happy. Sure, I'm still far from my destination, but at least I can feel like something's changing. Like I'm making some sort of progress, and might actually get there some day. Today, the staff at the plasma center (where I've not been in a while) couldn't recognize me and, long story short, ended up making me take a new id photo. A little silly, since I only plan to go one more time to cover the cost of piercing my ears, after which, you're not allowed to give plasma for four months. The girl who hooked me up tried to convince me I should do the piercing myself, and gave me pointers on how to do it. Thank you, Sita, but I'm gonna wimp out on this one and pay for the assurance that it's getting done right. But, you know... I f anyone's got more earrings than they know what to do with... ;)

I want hugs. Yes, that's right. Me. Tye. Wants hugs. You heard it here first, folks.

You see, hugs used to make me really uncomfortable for reasons that in retrospect made no sense at all. It wasn't just hugs though. It was all sorts of social interactions. But you know what? I'm over it. Mostly, anyway. There's still some residual awkward feelings sometimes, but less and less each day. Yay, right? Well, sure, but not entirely, because now I'm left with a bit of a problem. Everyone KNOWS how uncomfortable things make me, and how much I would HATE a hug. Great before. Hell now. Now I'm just left wanting for social interactions that everyone's too afraid to give me. Worse because I feel like I need to catch up from all the things I've already missed. I'm a hug ion. Anyone got an electron to spare?

Congratulations America. Maybe you've still got a chance. But knock it off with the gay marriage bans. Seriously, why try to stop people from being happy together?

Sometimes you just have to obey. (stolen from frogger414 )

Go to urbandictionary.com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the FIRST definition it gives you.



( Results! )

I'm sitting here right now in an odd state. I've been out of one of my medications for a week or so now (it comes from Vanuatu, and the shipping time is a bit unpredictable), and each day I feel weirder and worse for it. But simultaneously, I feel inspired by recent reading, and really want to make something cool. I feel like I NEED to create, but I just can't muster the energy. Technically, I don't have the time either, but that's a separate issue. :P

My university regularly sends out e-mails regarding jobs and opportunities. Good. We could use some ins. But sometimes they send out these "opportunity" e-mails for the Army or Peace Corps. Regardless of what I think of the organizations themselves, I find this offensive. Here we are, working our way through college, getting degrees in the hopes of finding REAL jobs, and they have the nerve to tell us, "Oh, and when you fuck up, you can do this instead." Even if you're someone who supports these groups, they're something you should be doing BEFORE you go to college, or perhaps so that you CAN go to college; not something you need to work you way through years of schooling just so you CAN do.